That’s where our story gets murky, Jimmy hadn’t told Spencer that he was going to like the same teams, because damn it, Spencer was just cool. Sure, he’d had a hiccup over the summer where he forgot to tell his family he was going to play for another club soccer team even though his original team had made him a star, because he figured he’d tell them right before his parents had to sign the release form. That ended badly. It was pretty similar to that big deal on ESPN a few months back…Where was I? Oh right, so Jimmy made his Decision, and Spencer was right, it felt AMAZING. Turn on ESPN? BOOM. Favorite team guaranteed! National News? YES! You know what these teams had? Something Spencer called Swagger, and Jimmy became addicted to swagger. It fed him, it put him to sleep, it woke him up everyday and said “you know why your awesome? YOUR TEAMS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!” He couldn’t go wrong. He started using James, because that had so much more Swagger than fucking Jimmy. He traded in his old girlfriend for a cheerleader that put out, swapped his Levi’s and Camp shirts for Ed Hardy and Affliction. POWER. GIRLS. SWAGGER. SO HARD. He was living in the NOW, and alas, he hadn’t listened to Spencer’s entire presentation when he said the Frontrunner Mission Statement: you pick whoever’s good AT THE TIME. James was so caught up in the glitz and glamour of Swagger that he hadn’t paid attention to statistics, or schedules, or injuries, until earlier this morning.
“What a great day, I’m so fucking legit my swagger has fucking swagger! Where are my totally fucking brotastic Hardy jeans? Here we go, dude that’s fucking legit.” James looked in the mirror and did the Ab Flex. His idol on that shore about the east coast had taught him that one. “I’d fuck me. ‘MOM WHERES MY AFFLICTION SHIRT? NO THE RED ONE WITH THE GOTHIC THEME? NO, NOT THE RED ONE WITH THE SWORD, WITH THE SKULLS AND STUFF! OH I GOT IT NEVERMIND!’ ” He looked in the mirror again, put in another handful of hair gel, and came to a conclusion: “Damn, I’m pretty.” Life was good. He was the fucking man. He hopped in his totally lifted two wheel drive Ram with those Rock Star rims that he had to have because they were just fucking HARD. He turned the key, cranked up some LEGIT Drake because he’s SUCH A GENIUS GANGSTA MC OMGZ.

He pulled into the parking lot and his blood ran cold; something was amiss. Where was his bitch? And where were his side chicks? Where were his bros? They always parked in the same row on Fridays and sat there smoking Parliaments and slamming Four Loko’s because THAT’S WHAT WE DO. It was Faded Friday, it was tradition, they’d done it last week. Well it must have gotten TOTALLY LAME so whatevs. He looked around, and even the color guard losers were looking at him weird. They never looked at him because he was so motherfucking HARD. He flipped his Parliament to the ground, sprayed some AXE and swaggered into school.

He made it into class with just a few seconds to spare, because being early was so lame. People that didn’t like the best teams showed up early, because they didn’t have what James had. Losers without swagger. Looking around, he noticed that Bron was on the other side of the room, not looking at him. He walked over and tried to fistbump, but WTF OMGZ, he did not return said fistbump.

“What the fuck bro? You didn’t return the fistbump and what is that shit you’re wearing? You look like Peyton Manning but without the forehead.” James wanted to go all TAPOUT on Spencer’s ass for looking so fucking QUEER.

“Jimmy, this clothing is legitimate, it is much better than that drab I used to attire myself in”

“It’s James Bro, you know that”

“Well, about that, did you listen to my entire presentation on the Advantages of becoming a fan of currently successful franchises based on wins, attendance, net worth, television coverage and merchandise sales?”

“Dude, why are you talking like my fucking Dad? Yea, sure, I listened to your TOTALLY FUCKING LEGIT demo on frontrunnin’ aka HOW TO GET THAT STRANGE. POUND IT BRO!”

“I will politely decline your attempt at brotherhood.”

“Dude, did you score some of that PRIME BC bud, because you’re talking weird.”

“No Jimmy, I regret to inform you that my previous presentation was unfortunately, incorrect in almost every facet of said report”

“What the fuck are you saying?”

“I’m saying that frontrunnin’, as I so barbarically put it previously, is not the most successful tactic to attract the attention of attractive females in our age group or assist us in achieving premiere status in the upper echelon of social circles.”

“Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Jimmy, before I continue, I politely inquire as to whether you could possibly leave that absolutely horrid language for the lower classes of our economic system. We do, in fact, live in one of the most affluent subdivisions in the country.”

“What does Division II football have to do with GETTIN’ THAT PUSSAY?!?”

“To state it plainly Jimmy, frontrunning is ruining the human race. Studies are being conducted and early reports have reflected that the differences in fanbases is directly proportional to both wins and the ability to produce competitive teams in their respective sport”

“Wait wait wait, are you sayin’, nah fuck no, SWAGGER IS KILLING AMERICA?”

“A trite observation, but in your vernacular, yes, this entirely made-up attribute is in fact reducing both fan and media decisions to a handful of teams being deemed “watchable” by those who are entirely unprepared to make such decisions.”

“But BRO THOSE ARE OUR TEAMS MAN!”

“Jimmy, when’s the last time you sat down and watched a Rangers baseball game.”

“DUDE THEYRE THE FUCKING RANGERS. CLIFF LEE. BADASS. JOSH HAMILTON. RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT WHO IS THE RETURN TO GLORY TALE THAT AMERICA GORGES THEMSELVES ON. VLAD GUERRERO. NO FUCKING GLOVES. HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT?!?”

“Jimmy, they’re down 2-0 in the 2010 World Series against the San Francisco Giants”

“oh, fuck.”

“Have you seen a Cowboys game lately?”

“NO NO NOT THEM TOO? NO FUCK MAN NOT AMERICAS TEAM. JERRY JONES SAID GOD LIKES THE FUCKING COWBOYS”

“Jimmy, it would appear that it may be that God enjoys having coitus with the Cowboys Super Bowl chances instead of rooting for the team that by all appearances are led by a direct descendant of Lucifer himself. The evidence is presented in the shattering of Mr. Romo’s clavicle, voiding Dallas’ chance at a victory in their home stadium.”

“WHAT ABOUT THE BEST FUCKING TEAM EVER IN BASKETBALL? BRON D WADE AND THAT OTHER GUY? OMGZ THEYRE SO FUCKING HARD”

“Jimmy, the Miami Heat are likely to go down in sport history as one of the worst ideas in the era of free agency as well as a case study in how not to construct an NBA roster, and will ultimately have wrecked the legacies of Pat Riley, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Erik Spoelstra, although his legacy will be that he attempted to coach this abomination for six weeks until Riley sent him to a Siberian work camp. They will not achieve the unthinkable success they were expected of, unless Kevin Durant and Chris Paul choose to play for the league minimum, which they will politely decline, because the Miami Heat have joined the pantheon of Most Despised Teams, joining the aforementioned organizations, Notre Dame, Duke basketball, and whoever Lane Kiffin is coaching that given year.”

“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING BRO?”

“I’m saying, if you wish to see the light as I have, and realize that fandom is not defined by wins and losses, but by personal connections to sports organizations. Jimmy, I was a wreck. I liked the Yankees. I liked the Patriots. I liked the Red Sox, then the Rays, and most recently the Yankees again. Sure, I’ve had relations of a sexual nature with dozens of girls who thought I matched the current success of whatever team I was following, but the truth? I was dead inside Jimmy. Sure while I looked, as you so deftly stated “FUCKING HARD”, there was nothing in my heart. I’ve never been to Yankee Stadium, I’ve never been to the East Coast. I have no affection for any players on those teams, and when they lost in the ALCS this season, I felt no sadness. It was a nonevent. I went back to playing Call of Duty and hoping I’d hit the jackpot on ChatRoulette. After I made it to Prestige Level 10 again and saw the 50th Cockshot of the night, I cried Jimmy. I cried long, I cried hard, and I meditated. I attempted to seek guidance, so naturally I went to Google. I had heard a term called “Bandwagoning”, and so I searched. I found my guidance Jimmy, the way to sport redemption”

“Dude are you in a fucking cult?”

“No Jimmy, it’s called JTTO, and it is the light and it is good”
Jimmy was totally surprised at the change in Spencer’s behavior. His clothing had gone from Ed Hardy to Express, from Affliction to Armani. His speech had gone from demented to distinguished. But most shocking was the amount of FUCKING TRIM that huddled around him. They were hotter than anything he’d tagged in the last six weeks, except for that cougar he met at Starbucks. He fistbump’ed himself mentally, because that was GREAT HUSTLE. Could there be a better way to live? Could he be happier AND get more of that GRADE A SNATCH? It made him confused, it made him curious, it made Jimmy want to change.

“Spencer, could you uh, take me to a meeting sometime?”

“I’m glad you offered, because Kendra here was going to kidnap you at my request and take you to the seminar”

“DAMN GIRL WHASS YO NAME?!?”

“Jimmy, I would recommend against that type of dialogue with Ms. Killian. She is at the top of our academic class and will be attending Harvard in the fall with goals of curing cancer. She is also, as you always so appropriately put things, extremely attractive. It’s a horrible way to convince you, but she is JTTO’s liaison to idiots, no offense.”

“LOOK AT THAT ASS!”

“Jimmy, shut the fuck up. Kendra, please escort Jimmy to the JTTO Center for Redemption and Drive-Thru Liquor Store.”

So here it was, Day 1 of Jimmy’s attempt to change. He wanted to, and he was going to, FUCKING HARD.

“OW!”

“That was my cousin, and she said you were awful”

“WTF OMGZ you read my mind?”

“No, you just LOLZ and talked about it.”

“I didn’t think I said that out loud.”

“The Afflicted usually don’t. They tend to voice their opinions of conquests out loud and think they kept it to themselves. Don’t worry, it’s an easy fix.”

“Wait, what’d you call me? An afflicted? That sounds like I’m fucking dying. I’m TOO HARD to die”

“No Jimmy, frontrunning does not guarantee immortality. Anyways, I meant that you’re dying on the inside. Have you ever seen a game or sporting event where you got goosebumps, or you remember the smell of the stadium, and the people around your section, and how GREAT IT WAS?!?”

“Listen baby…I like winners, so I’m a winner.”

“Call me baby again”

“Dirty…”

“And I cut your balls off and feed them to Michael Vick’s poodle. Are we clear?”

“Damn girl that’s rough”

“This is a favor to Spencer, I don’t like you, and my cousin said you were smaller than Favre. I’d be more than happy to spread that around your social circle”

“NOT MY FAULT THAT GIRL WAS A GODDAMN HOT DOG DOWN A HALLWAY. I GOT FUCKIN’ SWAGGER! MY COCK HAS GREAT HUSTLE!”

“Not for long, we’re here”

Jimmy and Kendra got out of the car, and walked up to the JTTO Redemption Center (and Drive-Thru Liquor Store), Jimmy got scared again. What the hell was gonna happen here? Electroshock? Water Boarding? Brett Favre highlights complete with Madden AND Peter King commentary on loop? Good God, what would it take to make him a better person?

“Good luck”

“What? You’re not coming in?”

“Nope, you’re going Tiger Woods style, no outside contact for eight weeks”

“Wait, NO SEX?!?”

“There’s girls in there, good luck with them though”

Jimmy walked in and it was pretty FUCKING HARD. Marble, waterfalls, real peaceful and shit. Pretty solid music was playing from the speakers, and he’d totally hit the receptionist after a couple Four Loko’s. Then he almost crapped his pants. In the lobby stood one of his heroes, someone that Spencer had used as a “Mount Rushmore of Swagger” type, this dude had poise, swagger, let’s be honest, the dude was LEGIT.

Jimmy swaggered up.

” BRYCE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HARPER! OMGZ”

“Shut up Kid”

“Hey man I’m older than you.”

“I was in a community college when I should’ve been going to prom. I’m a Number One draft pick. I’d compare conquests with you but my penis has pulled in better tail than a goddamn pro fisherman”

“I don’t get it.”

“You wouldn’t. Listen kid, there’s a lot of us in here. We’ve been frontrunners for a long time, it’s hard, but it works. Now? I’m different. No more douchey facepaint. No more frontrunnin’.I’m a Capitals, Redskins, and Nationals fan”

“Sounds like you got fucked with a Maglite.”

“I know kid, I know. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go call the Burg and get the ball rollin’ on our Yankee contracts.”

NEXT WEEK: THE BIEBS, JUSTIN “I CALLED OUT TOM BRADY I LUV THE LAKERS LOLZ OMGZ KOBEEEEEEE!” BIEBER

Hello, I’m Wally. I love the Cubs. I hate the Cubs. As a result of mismanagement of both funds and talent, this season was awful. I’m sure you can attest. I don’t sit in the locker room, but I doubt many of the Cubbies were proud of the 2010 season. $140 million in payroll should get you more than “last” in the Central. (Yea, so it’s the Pirates, but they OWN 6th place.) You gave D Lee a chance at the playoffs, that was a great move. Good luck to him. You still believe in Samardjzia, that’s commendable. There are a few things that could save this squad and propel it into gasp contention next year, and it won’t cost you much, here we go:

• Big Z has to go: This is a no-brainer. I understand you’ve paid him millions, he hasn’t delivered. Actually he has, he leads the league in Front Office headaches. Cut the cord and let him go. He is poison in Chicago.
• Mess around with the lineup: Move Soriano back to second. Hoffpauir at First. Call up Bryan LaHair (.308/.385/.942) and stick him in Left. Marlon in Center, put Kosuke in Right. Use Koyie Hill and GeoSoto as a tandem, let them both develop, and get rid of the unproductive one. Starlin Castro? Lead off. Here’s a potential starting lineup: Castro, Byrd, Soriano, Ramirez, LaHair (6’5″, 240), Hill/Soto, Hoffpauir, Fukudome, Pitcher.
• Make a splash with a Manager signing: No, this does not mean offer Joe Torre ten zillion dollars for one year, or trying to take Girardi away from the Bronx. I mean, a real splash, something that nobody really does anymore. Hire a coach with only college experience. I have somebody in mind, and just let your mind wander: Pat Murphy. He’s firey, can handle young players, and I think it’d be the kind of jump-start that could get the team and fans excited.
• Drop Big Z: For emphasis.

With love,

Wally

• Kansas City is the best team in the NFL.
• Kyle Orton will throw for 6000 yards this season.
• Michael Vick is awesome. *

*: We already knew that, minus the whole dog thing. Moving on.

Wait, what? Can you extrapolate a 16 game season after just three games? You can’t. The reason I think that this is wayyy too early; Parity. Let’s break down the standings, we have two teams at 3-0 (The Bears will be the third after tonight). Then, it’s .667 W% for almost every other team, then the Lions, Panthers, Bills, Browns, and Niners at 0-3.  The Chiefs are winning the AFC West. The Vikings are in last in the NFC North. Desperate times are not three weeks into a 17 week battle in the National Football League. Some changes must be made: The Niners fired their OC. Understandable. The Bills released Trent Edwards. Unbelievable. Granted, Ryan Fitzpatrick played a serviceable game, but releasing a QB that could at least handle the reins in the wake of an injury? Apparently the Bills are so confident in Brian Brohm as a backup that they didn’t think hanging on to another QB made sense. I must’ve forgotten how amazing that Bills O-Line is…

My point: Three weeks does not a season make. Let’s talk again in five weeks when the Patriots, Colts, Chargers, and Ravens are winning the AFC, Chicago, Philly, Arizona, and New Orleans are winning the NFC, and the status quo is restored. Unless you want to trade away Trent Edwards, give me a call. “Captain Checkdown” will be starting for an NFL squad this year. Book it.

courtesy of CA over at KSK. Nice work. I will now gouge my eyes out.

Sorry about that. Really. LET’S GO TO WORK!

Virginia Tech/Boston College: Really don’t care about either team, just another early preseason VT hype session marred by a loss in the FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON. Also, I just had to show this to you. Let’s put this gawddamn game in ah reahhhhview. end awful text representation of Baaaaastahn AKcents. Wally’s awful Pick: VT 21-17

Alabama/Arkansas: Good thing this game isn’t on paper, or else neither fanbase would be able to read it! Thank you thank you, try the veal. That joke is totally not gonna get me in trouble, because this is a blog with words, and neither state has the internets, or good dental plans. Wally’s Completely REDIC pick: Ar-Kansas 35-21. It’s because Ryan Mallett totally did it with Erin Andrews. My reasoning? If you take a picture with EA, bloggers must automatically state this as fact. Except when it’s Tim Tebow.

Also Pictured in Stands: Arkansas fans who can read at a 12th grade level.

South Carolina/Auburn: Isn’t The Ole’ Ballcoach a great nickname? You know what this game has? ESSSS EEEEEE SEEEE SPEEEEEEDDD. Apparently Auburn is higher than Iowa in the polls, so let’s go ahead and change that. Enjoy the game with this delightful recipe for wine burgers. Wally’s awesomely bad pick: SC 35-21

I just came.

UAB/Tennessee: Peyton Manning on a jetski? Peyton Manning on a jetski. UT 17-10

Unfortunately not in photo: Eli in his water wings

Cal/UofA-Holes: I’m still bitter about last weekend, so yea. Wally’s totally biased pick: Cal 120-0. And just like UofA fans, Keanu Reeves is confused by a cupcake.

Oregon/Arizona State: Upset pick of the week? Nah. Wally’s only Rational Pick: Oregon 28-7. Just like Oregon’s national title chances, which of these things isn’t real? I think it’s Steven Seagal.

FRIDAY NIGHT SITES

Every Friday Wally will find some of the greatest stuff on the internets, and stuff that you’ve probably seen before. I don’t care, I started this feature so I can just run a photo of Minka Kelly. Get it? Because she was in that one show Friday Night, ah screw it, RUN THE PIC.

You can come sit on my couch Minka.

25 Hangover Cures: [BroBible.com]

Why don’t you just come have a seat over here? Try and get that image of the first guy out of your head, I dare you.

Two of my favorite things: French Toast and Bagels, together at last.

This guy would look faaaabulous in some Ed Hardy. A victory for douchebag haters everywhere.

Because when you need film, you go to Bing Crosby’s wine cellar.
Well that was fun, until next time, yours truly,

Belichick? Not Amused.

There, I said it. That feels better. Anyways, let’s light this candle and get Wally an NFL squad! Of course, there are some stipulations that will make this way more fun, and here they are:

Rules for Getting Wally an NFL Squad

• Frontrunners need not apply: This is gonna be a lifelong decision and it’s up to you. That’s why we aren’t going to pick any really recent Super Bowl winners. Sorry Breesy, and Pey-Pey, I got nothing but love for ya. If it makes you guys feel any better, PrettyBoy is out of the running too.

He's laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside.

• Teams with QBs that I despise: When we first started JTTO, I was a SuperCharger fan. I’d started feeling some love for the boys in powder blue, and then some things happened. Mainly, Philip Rivers. You know how sometimes you see somebody and you just KNOW he’s a dick in real life? That’s what I think. Norv Turner didn’t help either. So, unfortunately, that knocks the following teams out of contention: San Diaaaaago, Carolina (Jimmy Clausen? Just No.), Denver(NeckBeard is just creepy), CowGirls (No Romo), KC (Matt Cassel is awful), and Miami (No thanks Chad Henne)
• Absolutely unbearable fan bases: Sorry Oakland, and it knocks the other Manning off the board, sorry Giants.
• Teams that may end up in LA: Jacksonville and St.Louis? Yea, I’m looking at you.
• Freakin Sweet Jerseys: If you don’t look good, how can you play good? So Philly? Unless you switch the ultragreen all year, you’re out. Seattle? Woulda been cooler with neon green. NEXT!
• This goes without saying but, CUE CHEERLEADER PIC!

Wally! Pick Us!

So, there ya have it! Make your choice known below in the comments, and let’s get this man a team!

Ladies, the Starting 5ive is down here.

Five Games you CANNOT miss (if you do, it’s okay I guess)

• Giants/Cubs:  Zambrano vs. Cain: The Cubs will attempt to continue to play spoiler, because that’s what they do best. Zambrano will most likely have a tirade, consider requesting a trade, be told his contract is un-tradeable, so they’d be happy to release him. He will not oblige, and the Cubs will be stuck with the biggest head case this side of Ron Artest for 2011.
• Yanks/Rays: AL East bragging rights: Well, this is refreshing, since Boston isn’t around. Two completely different styles converge for what hopefully will become an annual battle for supremacy atop the stacked AL East. Superstars vs. Homegrown talent: Who wins? cough Tampa cough Sorry I have a bad case of TB fever.
• Oakland/Arizona: Pillow Fight of the Week: If you hate offense and want to see two of the most anemic offenses in the history of THE NATIONAL.FOOTBALL.LEAGUE, look no further. Enjoy the field goal display.
• TCU/SMU:Wally’s upset pick of the week: It’s football on Friday night, and you don’t have to creep at a high school. Thank God! I mean, I’d never do that, that’s just unprofessional and downright creepy. Anyways, SMU has June Jones. June Jones had Colt Brennan. Colt Brennan was a former winner of JTTO’s MCotY award. That makes this my upset pick/lock of the week. SMU 35 TCU 21. Book it.
• Alabama/Arkansas: Game of the Week: Two coaches who are not welcome within 100 miles of their previous gigs, a Heisman winner in Mark Ingram and a potential Heisman candidate in Ryan Mallett, this game should be an offensive smorgasbord to tide you over. Nick Saban’s genius is put to the test in this game, and I think it’s gonna come down to the wire. If the Razorbacks get blown out, Petrino will probably leave in the middle of the night to coach the Cowboys. You think I’m kidding.

Five Random thoughts from the Random Mind of Wally

• I may be behind the times a little bit, but with the advances in technology, couldn’t we upgrade the refrigerator ice maker? I mean, we put people on the moon for chrissakes, but we can’t get some better looking/tasting ice? I’m cheap and rely on this ice day to day, but I’m taking a stand right now and calling out fridge makers: Get to work boys, if you don’t, the terrorists will win.
• Sometimes, when I’m feeling a little dangerous, I like to turn the shower on just a little too hot. It makes me feel like a real man, while at the same time defining my existence as truly useless to society since I look forward to things like this.
• Brutus got his ass kicked. I just smiled thinking about it. It’s the little things people.
• Hi I’m Wally and I’m addicted to Madden. There, I said it. Not the online play, I’m not a huge fan of getting killed by 12 year olds because all they do is Fake FG and wildcat. I’m addicted to creating franchises, then thinking I can do better and deleting that one and starting another one. I’m old school, I build defense first. CB CB CB MLB OLB OLB DT FS SS. This kills me on the other side of the ball, but I always find a diamond in the rough. One diamond that I will never pick up again? Jimmy Clausen. Have you played with him in Madden? JESUS. He’s awful. He makes Philip River’s release look good. Now he’s starting for the Panthers, and because video games imitate life, he will throw 4 INTs and shatter any hopes of Carolina going undefeated. Wait, they lost their last two? Oh, nevermind then.
• Braylon should’ve just taken the Jet. [Deadspin]

Five Awards that have no bearing on NCAA eligibility

• The Don Draper Commercial of the Year Award: NBA 2k11 Promo. Derrick Rose baking, Rondo talking to Mom, and the front runner for line of the year: That’s why you don’t eat sushi in Utah…Landlocked. Complete with hand motions. Simply Awesome.
• The Prior-Wood Award: Stephen Strasburg. Welcome to The Show kid, now go blow your arm out and come back in 2012 with a mediocre fastball that lacks movement.
• The Sammy Sosa Defense Award: Reggie Bush. If you don’t admit, it didn’t happen. Everyone has been piling on the USC legend, and that’s just not right. So we at JTTO are giving him an award, one that no one can ever take from him. And no, he can’t give it back either, unless he takes responsibility. We have morals here at JTTO, they’re just really hard to find.
• The Wally Award for Breakout Madden Talent: Jahvid Best. Runner Up: Ndamakong Suh. They’re both Lions, and they’re both awesome. Absolute staples of any Wally team. JBest is good for about 150 every game, and Suh is just a beast wherever I put him on the line. Thanks for helping Team Walrus dominate, and I just signed you both to 7 year deals below market value, because I OWN YOU. I would be a terrible owner. Speaking of…
• The James Dolan Award: James Dolan! Because how can you have an award named after you if you’ve never won it? Well, Jimmy, you’ve earned it. It was a landslide, and there were some dark horse candidates, but you know what cemented your victory/legacy? Attempting to bring Isiah back as a consultant while he’s coaching in the NCAA.  You’re a knucklehead, and you couldn’t persuade LeBron and Co. to take their talents to MSG.  ‘Melo wanted to come play for the Knicks, but your draft cupboard was too bare. The Knicks are a mess and I don’t even want to talk about the Rangers. Enjoy the draft lottery FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS, ya hack.

There it is, the new and improved Starting 5ive. Sound off in the comments and follow us on Twitter: @JustTheTipOff

This weekend could be defined by one word: Painful. Let’s break it down.

ASU politely returns game to Wisconsin, thanks Badgers for hospitality and killer bratwurst

This was a rough start to the day. This game had the makings of a “19-0″ game for this generation of Sun Devil fans. I’m a Big Ten homer, and proud of it. Imagine my chagrin seeing this “new-school” spread-thingy offense absolutely terrifying and dismantling the meat and potatoes front four of Wisconsin and completely exhausting a squad built for dominating time of possession by pounding the football. It’s tough to play that way when you’re trying to catch up. Oh, but wait, look who came to the rescue:

You may want to keep that out...

A true staple of any squad coached by Dennis Erickson, the penalty is a vital part of Arizona State’s offense and defense. Eight penalties for 61 yards can make it hard for any squad to pull out a win. The Devils also had some bad breaks, including the 1/2 yard short runback to end the first half. And the punt return called back due to a penalty. Oh, and that blocked extra point. Also, mark my words: TE Lance Kendricks is going to be a beast in the NFL. So is Vontaze Burfect, who is absolutely lethal and I would love him on my squad.

Iowa Schedule Makers demand no more night games, cite inability to stay up so late.

A blogger who has no interest in either team would say that the Black and Gold straight up got outplayed. However, I am a diehard Hawkeye who spent 9 months of his gestation period within shouting distance of Kinnick Stadium and Carver Hawkeye Arena. (My Mom was a nurse at the university hospital) I teeter on the edge of insanity on Saturdays. Also, being a Cubs fan, Hawkeye football is my only reasonable chance of seeing a National Championship in my lifetime. (Wrestling is a foregone conclusion every year) That being said, I was a mess all week. I watched old games to get pumped. NCAA 11 was in the PS3 all week while I donned my OC/DC skills and played every scenario against Stoop’s boys. I also wasn’t going to the game, because I’m superstitious. Going into enemy territory, as a Sun Devil and Hawkeye, would not be a great idea. That would’ve made me feel responsible for what happened. I know why they lost though, and it’s time to put on my excuse hat.

Reasons Iowa lost against UofA

Primetime in another timezone: When you think of Big Ten football, you think tradition. Tradition is afternoon football. Primetime in Tucson is not Big Ten football. Imagine playing your first two games close to your school and at a reasonably early afternoon. It gets you in a rhythm. You expect to be hyped up at 10am and go hard until 3pm. Except for Saturday, which is the absolute opposite. Away from your fans (impressive showing by Hawkeye faithful though), your comfort zone, against a team you dominated last year in an afternoon game. Oh, but you’re playing at 9:30 your time, and it’s 106 at kickoff. Rant complete.

Predictability: The Stoops brothers are legends at Iowa. They’ve been extremely successful in the college football world, and learned their craft under another legend, Hayden Fry. Well, Iowa is like Coca-Cola. Why change the formula if it works? Hawkeye football is built around defense and the run game. Kirk Ferentz has introduced some of his own aspects into the offensive game, but if you see the Black and Gold, you know the gameplan. Arizona is like Mountain Dew. We have this great talent (Grigsby/Foles), but why not put a new twist on it? That twist was an outstanding defense against a slow, methodical, sleepy offense. If you don’t see that in game film, you can’t gameplan for it. Well played, Wildcats. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Tucson: Have you ever been there? If you haven’t, don’t. The Hawkeyes were just satisfied with getting out of there alive and STD-free. Required UofA dig complete.

Rub some dirt on it Colvin

Tyler Colvin has been a bright spot in this otherwise dismal excuse for a season in Cubbyland. So how does he get rewarded? By a bat straight to the lung. He’ll be fine, and the Cubs won 13-3. [Deadspin]

We’re back for the long haul, welcome back to JTTO.

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens

Big Guy: It would be easy to take the Ravens as the spoilers for Indy now that the Pats have been vanquished. Todd Heap and Haloti Ngata are both going to play and everyone is waiting for the Colts secondary to finally succumb to the injuries. But I’m not buying it. I’m going to pick Peyton every week this season. I don’t believe they’ll go 16-0 but still, every week I’m going with the Colts. This week by a long margin.

Ouch.

Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions

Big Guy: If you didn’t start Kevin Smith this week, you need a CAT scan. Kevin Smith is really turning into a special back, he has become a guy that can scratch together yards regardless of the running game. Smith had a monster receiving game last week and he’ll have another one here. I’m also picking Stafford to have a big week against the Browns. Now I know none of you care about this game, and I don’t blame you. But it’s not often that I get to pick the Lions for the win.

A Man Can Hope Right?

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Big Guy: I’m not sure why I’m picking this game at all, but it seems to be a lot of peoples upset pick of the week. I think they’re way off base. New Orleans, like Indy, is so good that I just can’t see myself every picking against them. Now one week they’ll let me down, but I will still have made the right pick. Reggie Bush is down and it’s going to be a real big day for all of you Pierre Thomas owners, including myself. I think the Saints will beat up on the Bucs.

SuperPierre!

San Diego at Denver

Big Guy: On paper this is the most exciting and important match-up of the week. Two division rivals sharing the division lead this late in the season is always a good time, and this should be no different if Kyle Orton can go. This is the Chargers time of year and they look like they’re truly getting better every week. LT is invigorated and I think it’s here to stay, if only for the rest of this year. Denver has been headed in the opposite direction. As much as I want to pick against Wally’s team and as much as I would love to pick McDaniels after a skid, I’m sticking with my Starting Five pick and taking San Diego.

Here ya go Vince.

New York Jets at New England

Big Guy: Look the Jets have been exposed for exactly what they were, an overachieving team. The Patriots are gonna bounce back hard. And they’re going to do it all over this Jets team. Tom Brady will absolutely torch this team, mainly to Wes Welker. The Patriots run away with this one.

I LOVE HOT DOGS!!

Tennessee at Houston

Big Guy: Tennessee has been crazy good ever since the Young-Collins switch of ’09. Houston seems to really be dialing in their offense which is impressive considering nobody ever knows who’s going to run the football. Matt Schaub is a trendy pick for a late season fantasy trade, and the Texans are the trendy pick for this game. I don’t like trends and I’m not in love with the Texans. But I’m going to love watching one my favorite college players, Vince Young, run all day against Houston in a Titans win.

Another VY pic, a David Carr joke, or me? I think the right choice was made.

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers

Big Guy: I’m looking forward to this game quite a bit. What an underrated rivalry, mainly because it wasn’t much of a rivalry for a LONG time. But these two teams always play each other tough and the games are always fun. I like the Bengals to win the division due to the ease of their second half schedule but I’m taking the Steelers in a close one at home.

Wally: You know, I look at the matchup, and all I remember is my days up in the Creek and suddenly that damn Steelers song pops into my head, and reminds me that I couldn’t go to my favorite bar on Sundays in the fall because it was a Steelers bar. Oh, and I love Ochocinco. Bengals by 14 with Carson Palmer going all USC pre-2009 on the Steel Curtain. (Did you see that? I mocked the Trojans because they’re not going to the Rose Bowl!)

Amen Ocho, We've Got Nothin' But Love For Ya

Denver Broncos at Washington Redskins

Big Guy: Why are we even picking this game? Does anyone care? Jason Campbell is so bad he makes Joey Harrington wince. Of course I’m going with the Broncos.

Wally: Maybe the nation’s capital shouldn’t have any professional sports teams. When you think about it, the possibility of having the world’s most powerful nation headquartered there AND competitive teams? Too much for one city to handle. This is a blowout, with Neck Beard and the Donkeys going nuts. That hurt me to say.

It's Sunday Do You Know Where Your Shit Show QB Is?

Buffalo Bills at Tennessee Titans

Big Guy: Another game nobody will be watching. Who picked these games Walrus? The Bills are so lost it is just incredible. It’s one thing to be bad cause you’re headed somewhere. Think Detroit, Tampa and a couple other teams. But the Bills have no direction, it’s just a mess, somebody send this team to LA and put them out of their misery. I’m picking the Titans, who as I’ve said, will finish at least .500 after their 0-6 start.

Wally: One would think that the originating city of the almighty Buffalo Wing would at least put a product out there that would necessitate their team being the team on the TV screen. But no, they have failed miserably and the result was four years of almost and Terrell Owens on your team. Enjoy the win by VY, CJ, and LenWhale by chomping on some original Buffalo Wings, it’s only fitting.

Last Time I Was On An Elite Team, This Hat Was In Style

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

Big Guy: I just have to fess up and admit that the Cardinals are still playing like a much better team than I typically give them credit for. I don’t think they’re Super Bowl bound by any stretch, but they’re definitely going to over match the disappointing Seahawks. Cardinals run away with this one.

Wally: The SeaChickens are better than this. They have the Hasselbeck that’s good, and the Housh. The Cardinals though, have Fitz, Boldin, and the Old Man. Tough Luck. This will be the de-facto game at the restaurant, where the newly minted Redbird fans will completely be rocking their 2008 NFC Champs shirts and their Pink Fitzgerald unis. Alas, I cannot see a Seattle win, so this is AZ in a blowout.

Get Used To This Hawks Fans

Philadelphia Eagles at San Diego! Superchargers!

Big Guy: Nope, the song’s definitely not up there. All I can hear is Steve Miller Band. Maybe that’s cause DeSean Jackson is gonna Fly Like An Eagle all over the Charger’s D. That’s right Wally, Eagles all the way baby!

Wally: You got the song stuck in your head now don’t you? This will be the game where Donovan has his annual awful game and the rumors of change begin to circulate, even though they’re tied for the NFC East lead. I’m finally beginning to believe in Philip Rivers, and think C.J. Spiller will look great in powder blue next season. Sorry LT. Chargers in a blowout.

If Only SD's Playoff Chances Were This High

Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots

Big Guy: A lot of people are taking the Pats because of the injuries in Indy’s secondary. I’m still not buying it. The Colts defense has been getting a bit more credit than they deserve, but that’s why they’re gonna be ok. The best defensive player on the Colts is Peyton Manning, and their D has been predicated on his arm keeping teams one dimensional. I’m sticking with the undefeated Colts in an absolute shootout.

Wally: I can’t pick the Pats/Colts game, my head would explode. After a bit of harassment, Wally agreed to pick. He’s going with Peyton  and the Colts. But he’s not happy about it.

Laser, Rocket Arm

MNF: Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns

Wally: This game will be closer than one would think because Cleveland…ah screw it, who am I kidding? Even though it’s a Monday night game, run the photo.