JTTO Redemption Center and Drive-Thru Liquor Store: Part 2
Jimmy was so excited. He was so excited. He was so…scared! What if this didn’t work? What if his bandwagoning would continue to hurt his chances at scoring some MAJOR TAIL? On the positive side his chauffeur was gorgeous. Small talk was difficult for Jimmy, because usually bitches just saw his throwback jersey and thought he was just that awesome. No Small talk, just pounding some young strange. He mentally fistbumped himself for taggin’ that sweet little thing the other day because he said he was Tony Romo’s nephew.
“OW!”
“That was my cousin, and she said you were awful”
“WTF OMGZ you read my mind?”
“No, you just LOLZ and talked about it.”
“I didn’t think I said that out loud.”
“The Afflicted usually don’t. They tend to voice their opinions of conquests out loud and think they kept it to themselves. Don’t worry, it’s an easy fix.”
“Wait, what’d you call me? An afflicted? That sounds like I’m fucking dying. I’m TOO HARD to die”
“No Jimmy, frontrunning does not guarantee immortality. Anyways, I meant that you’re dying on the inside. Have you ever seen a game or sporting event where you got goosebumps, or you remember the smell of the stadium, and the people around your section, and how GREAT IT WAS?!?”
“Listen baby…I like winners, so I’m a winner.”
“Call me baby again”
“Dirty…”
“And I cut your balls off and feed them to Michael Vick’s poodle. Are we clear?”
“Damn girl that’s rough”
“This is a favor to Spencer, I don’t like you, and my cousin said you were smaller than Favre. I’d be more than happy to spread that around your social circle”
“NOT MY FAULT THAT GIRL WAS A GODDAMN HOT DOG DOWN A HALLWAY. I GOT FUCKIN’ SWAGGER! MY COCK HAS GREAT HUSTLE!”
“Not for long, we’re here”
Jimmy and Kendra got out of the car, and walked up to the JTTO Redemption Center (and Drive-Thru Liquor Store), Jimmy got scared again. What the hell was gonna happen here? Electroshock? Water Boarding? Brett Favre highlights complete with Madden AND Peter King commentary on loop? Good God, what would it take to make him a better person?
“Good luck”
“What? You’re not coming in?”
“Nope, you’re going Tiger Woods style, no outside contact for eight weeks”
“Wait, NO SEX?!?”
“There’s girls in there, good luck with them though”
Jimmy walked in and it was pretty FUCKING HARD. Marble, waterfalls, real peaceful and shit. Pretty solid music was playing from the speakers, and he’d totally hit the receptionist after a couple Four Loko’s. Then he almost crapped his pants. In the lobby stood one of his heroes, someone that Spencer had used as a “Mount Rushmore of Swagger” type, this dude had poise, swagger, let’s be honest, the dude was LEGIT.
Jimmy swaggered up.
” BRYCE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HARPER! OMGZ”
“Shut up Kid”
“Hey man I’m older than you.”
“I was in a community college when I should’ve been going to prom. I’m a Number One draft pick. I’d compare conquests with you but my penis has pulled in better tail than a goddamn pro fisherman”
“I don’t get it.”
“You wouldn’t. Listen kid, there’s a lot of us in here. We’ve been frontrunners for a long time, it’s hard, but it works. Now? I’m different. No more douchey facepaint. No more frontrunnin’.I’m a Capitals, Redskins, and Nationals fan”
“Sounds like you got fucked with a Maglite.”
“I know kid, I know. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go call the Burg and get the ball rollin’ on our Yankee contracts.”
NEXT WEEK: THE BIEBS, JUSTIN “I CALLED OUT TOM BRADY I LUV THE LAKERS LOLZ OMGZ KOBEEEEEEE!” BIEBER
